Wednesday, August 16, 2006
In Which J. Random American Discovers How to Win World War IV
Ann Althouse has a post (hat-tip Instapundit) about American Muslim kids who are memorizing the entire Koran so that they can get a free pass into heaven for themselves and 10 more that they can give away to friends and family.
This has given me a creative idea about how to win the war on terror (or World War IV as informed people are now calling it.)
Step 1. Make certain that the belief that memorizing the Koran will guarantee entrance to heaven for that person and ten others of their choosing is widespread throughout the Muslim world. Our enemies will probably be useful idiots in helping us with this.
Step 2. Have DARPA develop an accelerated learning program for memorizing the Koran in DVD format. Take out a whole bunch of ads on Al Jazeera for this program promising “Learn the Koran in 6 months or your money back.”
Step 3. Secretly fund the production of an Arabic sex-romp comedy movie in the style of Porky’s or American Pie. It should be about a group of young Muslim men who turn their backs on terrorism and instead of getting only one free pass to heaven by being suicide bombers they each memorize the entire Koran using the accelerated learning DVD. Then the young men pool some of their “free passes into heaven” and offer them as prizes to the local girls who give the best performance in various sex acts and positions. Make sure to cast really hot actresses to play some of the local girls who are engaged in the competition and have the competition “get out of hand” as all the local girls try to one-up each other to impress the young men with the free passes*.
Step 4. Make sure that bootleg copies of both the movie and accelerated learning program show up in every marketplace and vendor stall in the Muslim world. Within a year radical Islam will no longer be a problem, and instead we’ll be watching news reporters warn us about the rising tide of teenage pregnancy and STDs in the Middle East. After all, once at least 10% of the Muslim world has earned their 11 free passes to heaven by memorizing the Koran then the religion would lose all its fire and brimstone. If you knew you were going to heaven no matter what you did, then would you spend your Firday listening to some crazy old guy rant in the mosque or go down to Hooters for the wet-T shirt contest? Maybe you could promise the winner a free trip to heaven if she makes you really, really happy.
Step 5. Put another “World War” notch on our collective national riflestock.
* As a really insidious subplot one of the girls could be a shy Jewish girl who turns out to be a totally hot sex machine. Have one of the Muslim heroes fall in love with her and try to keep her from “auditioning” with the other judges. At the end of the movie when he tells his father that he’s going to marry the Jewish girl, his dad is furious. But the kid reminds his father that it doesn’t matter if she is the daughter of pigs and dogs, she can get into heaven anyway with one of the free passes. Then the hero reminds his dad that if he makes trouble over the marriage he might find HIS free pass into paradise revoked.
BWA-HA-HA-HA (Evil laugh)
This has given me a creative idea about how to win the war on terror (or World War IV as informed people are now calling it.)
Step 1. Make certain that the belief that memorizing the Koran will guarantee entrance to heaven for that person and ten others of their choosing is widespread throughout the Muslim world. Our enemies will probably be useful idiots in helping us with this.
Step 2. Have DARPA develop an accelerated learning program for memorizing the Koran in DVD format. Take out a whole bunch of ads on Al Jazeera for this program promising “Learn the Koran in 6 months or your money back.”
Step 3. Secretly fund the production of an Arabic sex-romp comedy movie in the style of Porky’s or American Pie. It should be about a group of young Muslim men who turn their backs on terrorism and instead of getting only one free pass to heaven by being suicide bombers they each memorize the entire Koran using the accelerated learning DVD. Then the young men pool some of their “free passes into heaven” and offer them as prizes to the local girls who give the best performance in various sex acts and positions. Make sure to cast really hot actresses to play some of the local girls who are engaged in the competition and have the competition “get out of hand” as all the local girls try to one-up each other to impress the young men with the free passes*.
Step 4. Make sure that bootleg copies of both the movie and accelerated learning program show up in every marketplace and vendor stall in the Muslim world. Within a year radical Islam will no longer be a problem, and instead we’ll be watching news reporters warn us about the rising tide of teenage pregnancy and STDs in the Middle East. After all, once at least 10% of the Muslim world has earned their 11 free passes to heaven by memorizing the Koran then the religion would lose all its fire and brimstone. If you knew you were going to heaven no matter what you did, then would you spend your Firday listening to some crazy old guy rant in the mosque or go down to Hooters for the wet-T shirt contest? Maybe you could promise the winner a free trip to heaven if she makes you really, really happy.
Step 5. Put another “World War” notch on our collective national riflestock.
* As a really insidious subplot one of the girls could be a shy Jewish girl who turns out to be a totally hot sex machine. Have one of the Muslim heroes fall in love with her and try to keep her from “auditioning” with the other judges. At the end of the movie when he tells his father that he’s going to marry the Jewish girl, his dad is furious. But the kid reminds his father that it doesn’t matter if she is the daughter of pigs and dogs, she can get into heaven anyway with one of the free passes. Then the hero reminds his dad that if he makes trouble over the marriage he might find HIS free pass into paradise revoked.
BWA-HA-HA-HA (Evil laugh)
